By Kartheik Iyer
There comes a time in every man (or woman, we’re not discriminating here), when he is left with only one thought in his mind. ‘Oh. Shit.’
Now, discussing the gamut of peristaltic implications of this statement is not the topic of this discussion. After a long time, we finally have both the time and the inclination to write again, so, O’ imaginary audience, stay glued to your seats.
A latin writer/philosopher, rather crude in his representation of strata curricula, remarked, ‘ma gavte la nata’, which, with the most liberal of translations, comes out to mean, please remove the cork. He alludes to the phenomenon of a pompous individual, who, for all intents and reasons, is an excellent chap, yet insufferable, were it not for a cork stuck in his sphincter. Upon decorking, he would deflate and return to being his usual amicable self. But I digress. Where were we?
Oh, yes. We were to talk (a rather witty monologue, actually) about how the worst of things happens to the best of people. Yes, I know all of you are sitting in front of your screens and nodding sagely at this point. The law of averages decrees that all humans are equal. So, if you are a rotten, valueless, shifty-eyed chap, nature will try to correct its mistake by giving you booze, money and power. If, on the other hand, you a re hardworking, honest, ethical and well mannered,(he’s talking about me, you think) nature shalt make you fat, short and ugly, and decree that thou shalt never get that taxi when you need it.(or that train, bus, auto, chocolate ice-cream, girlfriend, assorted bonus vouchers, or a free sample at that new mall, for that matter).
Now, we come to the philosophical component of it. Shit, they say, happens even to the best of people. ‘They’ were slightly off. Shit seems to happen only to the best of people. How else, indeed, can you explain why all those supervillains, villains, and even that nosy noisy chap who lives down the street, maintain a look of perennial constipation upon their erstwhile mugs? Poor guys live their entire lives in the darkness of ignorance, not knowing, not realizing, that the best laxative is granted, the moment that they embrace the light.
Other etymological considerations lead to obtuse references. For example, the light at the end of the tunnel, seems to make more sense now, does it not? Other notaries on this unworthy list would include, a shot in the dark (notice this is a hero’s last resort), pissing me off (rather obvious), a miss is as good as a mile (Shakespearean, can you believe it?), all that glitters is not gold (another ‘speare effort), all things must pass (Shakespeare, by now, strikes me as an absolute fanatic), woe is me, and last and greatest, it is better to give than to receive.
If you believe that these are out of context, visualize them when you next feel the need for a laxative. Remember, I do not cast these pearls for swine.
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Rant #2 – yours truly. not.
