By Swetabh Kumar
Yeah, it’s
understandable if you’ve already seen something like this in your inbox. . Yet,
please allow my claim of a futuristic work to make sure you keep reading this
(Note- my way of saying that this isn’t spam!). I say ‘Futuristic’, because every stint with Ms.
Rakhi Sawant as the protagonist always
has a future, on page 3, in the rumour
mills or simply in the ‘recycle bin’ of the public’s memory. But then
‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’ did achieve jackpot TRP’s . It was so much of a hit that the
next instant, you had an obsolete creature called Rahul Mahajan giving off his
handsome self to one of the 11 ‘crazy’ girls who were game. And after weeks of
all the ‘suspense’, the climax was one you could’ve bet your wages on: Rakhi
dumps the finalist, and lets loose another controversy to bid season 1 adieu.
About the 2nd matrimonial season, a birdie reported Mr.Mahajan finally got a
girl…and that’s plainly the last heard of him and her!!
Clearly, with
‘high-end drama’ being the sole call, my imagination can’t resist visualising
possibilities for the coming sequels. And looking at what sells on small
screen; some of these alternatives can indeed make for an interesting
watch. So join along as we seek 5
‘best-seller’ guests for ‘Swayamvar’, 5 eligible singles who can actually drag
you n me into watching them ring the wedding bells on screen…..
Right then,
here we go 5-1 on the list of ‘omg’ bachelors (!!)
5. Karan
Johar: Right then Karan, seems like your
fans just got satiated with excess ‘Koffee’, or maybe SRK wants a termination
to the long streak of ‘touchy’ jokes both of you starred in. Either way, the
message is clear: For long, we’ve seen the million-dollar director question
celebs on link-ups and fall-outs. And with your niche in family dramas Karan,
we’re sure you’ll end up with the most ‘sanskaari’ girl of all, the ‘perfect
bahu’ of your cinemas. But then, it’ll be interesting to see how many of each
gender compete for the garland. After all, no one would be surprised if you won
the prize for the perfect metro sexual!
4. Priety
Zinta: Alright, Ms dimple, we understand movies aren’t exactly your forte
anymore ( I really don’t remember a hit after Kabhi Alvida naa Kehna....wait,
was that even a hit? ). Plus, the sweetness, the smartness, the coolness and
all ‘Ness’(read Ness Wadia) declared ‘Astalavista’ long back, changing the
headlines from ‘Bombay Dyeing’ to ‘Priety crying’. And to add to agony, your
last heard venture, the Kings XI, haven’t quite made news at the IPL ( the
cheerleaders get more attention than the team) . So Ms.Zinta, this advice comes
from me ‘DilSe’ :take heart from the fact that if Rakhi can gather a dozen
contestants, you’re too not completely forsaken by men yet, plus the swayamvar would remind people
that you did do films ages back,so go for it Ms eligible, enjoy seemingly your
last doze of limelight, get your man and settle down for good.
3. Ekta
Kapoor: So finally we run into the
serial killer’ of the small screen, the effigy of all that can make you
weep while watching Star Plus. We’re talking of a lady who’s made her millions
through scripts that somehow glues all household females to television sets
from 7 to 10 everyday. A lamenting ‘bahu’ in a sari, a mother-in-law resembling
Satan and a dozen wailing people on each side make up what EktaKapoor
popularised as ‘Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki’, or a ‘Kusum’ or some other random crap .
So with her craze for ‘rona-dhona’ , what preferences she lays down for her Mr. Perfect is what
remains to be seen ( we’re guessing he’s
rich, successful, handsome , seemingly emotionless and yet sensitive at
the same time). For, a lady who can challenge family emotions so dramatically
on reel, she might as well act equally
dramatic and chaotic in reality to reach the zenith of ‘parivaar’ values from
her ideal suitor. Statutory warning for viewers : Its EktaKapoor after all,
keep that handkerchief close to your eyes.
If you don’t cry into it, you can at least take the easy way out and
strangle yourself with it
2. Himesh
Reshammiya:
Here’s introducing
to you the victim of most puns in the past 5 years ( even though he hasn’t
released a good song for the last 4 of them). The jokes, the spoofs directed at
the guy and his music compositions have defined a genre of sarcasm by
themselves, and might as well amuse people indefinitely. Nonetheless, the man
does sell, and in huge numbers too. On stage, he’s said to be a phenomenon; on
reality TV, they call him a ‘blatant egoist’, but what is Himesh like when he
sheds the microphone and holds the wedding ring in lieu. No doubt his ‘nasal’
image has been stomped and ridiculed by you and me, but hey, the ‘EkBaarAaja’
croon might still drive a herd of maidens to his ‘swayamvar’, following which a
fan might just get to spend the rest of life with her idol. What’ll be actually
exciting to see is how controversy’s favourite child ‘pokes his NOSE’ into
marital affairs, and how his wannabe brides react to his ‘Suroor’ .P.S. It will
of course, go a level higher on viewership if he withdraws his cap on this one
(nothing beats the odds than a nasal sounding bald dude who gets a hot chick).
And finally,
we reach the numero uno. From koffee caterers to nasals, from ‘limelight
seekers’ to emotional aatankwadis, we’ve had four powerful nominations to grace
the ‘Swayamvar’, each with a unique flair. And after an intense mano a mano,I
managed to get the ‘unique-est’ of all flairs in the man getting the #1 crown
here….
Fine then,
for starters, he’s by far the ‘most influential’ single of them all.
RakhiSawant once called him ‘hot’ in a tabloid, he’s got ShilpaShetty going
gaga over his art. Clad in just an orange ‘lungi’, he’s no less than a national
icon today. Friends, no prizes whatsoever for guessing, the man in reference is
none other than our Mr. Naturopathy, the ‘Pranayaam’ maestro, Baba Ramdev .
(again, be sure to keep a handkerchief by your side, for reasons mentioned
above) With followers and believers counting in lakhs, this man will most
definitely take ‘swayamvar’ to a different level, as the audience will be
super-curious to see the role of the ‘Khapalbhaati’, ‘Anulom-Vilom’ and his
ever enigmatic smaller left eye in determining who walks out as ‘baba’s gal’
after the finale. A definite MUST WATCH!!!, the first ever health-cum-masala
show….wow!!
I’ll be
frank. We’re reached that vague point where we’re done with the climax, but not
with the entire story( if this were a movie, there would be a make out scene
now) . But yup, we ultimately get the 5 ‘oh-so-desirable’ individuals, any of
who can turn TRP mills rolling sky-high, because it’s drama that catches the Indian audience
like nothing else. The idea of a TV-based matrimony implies new levels of
scripted broadcasts, no Arjun has to hit the eye of the fish to get Draupadi
here, its all come down to public entertainment. Sure, you might believe that
there are others who deserve to make it to the top five. People like Arindham
Choudhry, Rahul Gandhi and others sure seem like safe bets, but do mail us if
you think of any others!
