The Fifth of November,
The gunpowder, treason and plot,
I know of no reason,
Why the gunpowder treason,
Should ever be forgot.”
Happy Guy Fawkes Night, everyone! Yes, time to put on your Guy Fawkes masks, buy a truckload of firecrackers and drink wine to celebrate the night that eight conspirators were put to death for treason and for the night hugely celebrated by the eponymous V from the movie V for Vendetta.
So what is the real significance behind this night? Well, I
guess it’s time for a little history lesson then. Gather around, children. I’m
going to tell you a tale of men who became legends of their time. Once upon a
time, during the start of the 17th Century, Great Britain saw the
rise of a new ruler, known as King James VI of Scotland and King James I of
England and Ireland. Like most kings of England, he was a pompous arrogant
douche, who pronounced butter as “bu’er” and had really bad dental. Following
his ascension to the throne, a lot of people expected governmental changes,
especially the English Catholics who had been repressed and persecuted for
their beliefs. They were, sadly, disappointed by the king’s response which
involved him promptly telling them to “bugger off” and “eat his fluffy shorts.”
(some citation needed).
But don’t blame the king entirely. Times were pretty crap
before his ascension to power. The Parliament, as a whole, had decades of
notoriety for oppressing the non-conforming English Catholics. The previous
rulers imposed such penalties as fines for recusancy (refusal to attend
Anglican services) with repeat offenders faced imprisonment and even execution.
Catholicism was, more or less, forbidden and anyone practicing it would face
torture and severe prosecution. The monarchs at the time had a real stick up
their asses for anyone who didn’t follow their religion.

And so they did. They planned to have King James
killed and have his nine-year old daughter, Elizabeth, on the throne since she
was Catholic and way cooler. So, on the 5th Of November, 1605, while
everyone sitting in the House of Parliament, including King James, was together
the conspirators planted 36 barrels of gunpowder which not only kill their
asses but also completely level the House of Parliament into nothingness. They
were, however, caught before the explosives could go boom. Some died in
pursuit. The rest were tried for treason, prosecuted and consequently sentenced
to be hung, drawn and quartered. And thus, that night is forever remembered, as
the night 13 bros attempted to set off the coolest of most epic fireworks
display the world would ever see.

So celebrate tonight by blowing up the parliament while
loudly playing the 1812 Overture by Peter
Illych Tchaikovsky on full volume and putting on your Guy Fawkes masks. Tonight
is a night of Gunpowder. Tonight is a night of Treason. Tonight is the night of
Plot.
Tell me. Do you like music, Mr Finch?